@thefatjewish

MY TOP 5 MOST ICONIC AMERICANS: ABE LINCOLN, JERRY SPRINGER, STANLEY TUCCI, KOBE BRYANT, AND THE WOMAN WHO DID THE SIGN LANGUAGE FOR “WAP” DURING A LIVE PERFORMANCE

August 10, 2021

FIRST KOBE DIES, THEN THE PANDY HAPPENS, AND NOW WE ALL REALIZE THAT WE PAID FOR THIS CACKLING DIPSHIT OVERLORD WITH MORE MONEY THAN THE COUNTRY OF BELGIUM TO FLY TO SPACE IN A PENIS SHAPED SHIP BY PURCHASING EXFOLIATING FACE MASKS AND FUCKING YOGA MATS

July 22, 2021

One year ago today, at the height of the the pandy, a woman picked up dog shit with her mask, threw the logs away and then put the mask back on. I’ve thought about it literally EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. DAY. SINCE.

July 13, 2021

WHY DO YOU GUYS LOVE POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR MOM LOOKING “HOT” AT 25? JUST BUY HER SOME FUCKING FLOWERS AND CALL HER ON A TELEPHONE AND STOP BEING WEIRD ABOUT IT.

May 09, 2021

I LOST OVER 55 LBS EATING BAGELS, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A LIE AND CLICKBAIT BUT IT'S ACTUALLY REAL LIFE, WATCH THE INFOMERCIAL I MADE WITH @WW TO LEARN HOW. YOU’RE F*CKING WELCOME IN ADVANCE. #wwambassador #sponistrashunlessyoucanloseweighteatingbagels . . . WW.COM/THEFATJEWISH *People following the WW program can expect to lose 1-2 lbs per week. I lost weight on a prior WW program and myWW, and am continuing on myWW+.*

January 14, 2021

THE SECURITY AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS IS BETTER THAN THE CAPITOL? I GOT TOSSED OUT OF A BWW IN TAMPA SIMPLY FOR TAKING MY SHIRT OFF, BUT THE QANON SHAMAN DRESSED LIKE JAMIROQUAI AT BURNING MAN IS JUST FUCKING CHILLING! (@ymunayyer)

January 07, 2021

NEW COMMERCIAL FOR @DRINKBABE, FEATURING OUR BRAND NEW SUPER SICK MONSTER TRUCK THAT COMPETES ON THE @monstertruckthrowdown CIRCUIT, WITH A FEMALE DRIVER WHO LITERALLY CRUSHES SHIT. 🍷 🇺🇸 🦅 (ME & @ferzan WROTE AND DIRECTED THIS)

November 12, 2020

This guy hitting himself square in the completely normal sized white dad dick with a flare at his gender reveal party and hopefully losing his ability to have any more children doesn’t make up for those other people having a gender reveal party that burned down 150,000 acres of forest, but it’s a GREAT fucking start.

September 14, 2020

NOBODY IN NEW YORK CITY HAS BEEN ABLE TO GET A MANICURE FOR MONTHS AND CUTICLES ARE LOOKING TRASHHH (some of you have been sneaking nail techs into your homes and we 👀 you) SO ME AND @drinkbabe DECIDED TO CREATE A SOCIALLY DISTANCED ‘RONA-FREE MANI TRUCK, IT’S LIKE A GLORY HOLE FOR YOUR HANDS. IT COSTS $0, FIND US SOON IN CITIES ACROSS AMERICA (not in Florida, get your fucking shit together). PEDI TRUCK COMING SOON, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT YOU PEOPLE’S FEET LOOK LIKE. YIKES.

June 30, 2020

ABOUT TO BE BANGING ON A FRYING PAN OUT MY WINDOW FOR ESSENTIAL WORKERS WHILE SCREAMING AT NYPD TO SUCK MY CASHEW SIZED JEWISH BABY PENIS. 2020 IS FUCKING WILD, FOLKS.

May 30, 2020

FLORIDA AT LEAST HAS TAMPA, THE HOME OF JACUZZIS, BUSCH GARDENS, AND ROCK HARD BREAST IMPLANTS, WEST VIRGINIA CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF. (@drtitty43)

April 18, 2020

ALL HE NEEDS IS A COCK RING, AN ATV, AND A RAGING CRYSTAL METH ADDICTION!

March 29, 2020